Back in San Antonio, 2015.
I have never dealt with depression, except that is, during pregnancy.
I know many, many women have struggled with post-partum depression, but me, I struggle with pregnancy-induced depression. It sets in around the same time as the morning sickness & lasts as long as the nausea does.
I wake up, day after day, in a word, depressed.
I should be elated.
I’m pregnant!
Pregnancy after Miscarriage
After my miscarriage last year, we have been trying, & it finally took after about 8 months of hoping. I’m only 11 weeks, so still in the “danger of miscarriage” zone. Funny how with my first 5 pregnancies, having not once had a miscarriage, it was never on my mind, even in the first trimester.
But this time, it’s different. I’m finding it hard to ignore the mild anxiety, that sort of ever present worry that any day, any hour I could be confronted with bleeding, cramping, & then that would be the end. For you fellow sisters who know the pain of miscarriage (some of you multiple times) & then trying again, you know what I’m talking about.
Prior miscarriage or no, it’s a lonesome path, pregnancy is.
Especially the first few months.
I’m not supposed to tell anyone. Or at least, the common advice is, wait until you’re out of the first trimester.
You know how impossible this is, for someone like me who turns into a slug pretty much the moment I find out I’m pregnant?
With this pregnancy morning sickness kicked in the day after I took the pregnancy test & was full throttle by week 5, day 6. I pretty much drop off the face of the earth, & I end up having to tell people earlier than I’d like to help explain my inability to be a high functioning human being.
I have half the energy of a three-toed sloth.
When I’m not throwing up I’m flat lined on the couch or bed.* The nausea is unrelenting–at all hours of the day I want to vomit, but it’s especially acute at night, & in the middle of the night.
I haven’t exercised much since mid-August. I have hot flashes throughout the day, I get short of breath easily. And I always, always feel like I need to pee.
*Unfortunately I can’t muster the willpower to do anything productive like read a book (makes me even more nauseated), but it has led me to some pretty good shows on the BBC like Poldark (loved the 1st season & highly recommend if you’re into historical dramas), Endeavor, & Grantchester (both intelligent British murder mysteries). I also admit in my very low moments nothing but mindless, trashy reality TV will distract me from my misery, so yes, I may have binge watched the first season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
I sleep 12 or more hours a day. I eat what I can stomach (which is very little). I lost 6 pounds over a period of weeks when it was really, really bad but have gained it back & more thanks to my inactivity & the fact that food is pretty much the only thing that can keep me from throwing up (ironically).
I have been told to just “distract yourself” or “don’t focus on the morning sickness!” (Not by Joseph, mind you, he knows better.)
This is like telling a depressed person to “just be happy!” It’s nonsense.
Pregnancy, especially all the aches, pains, & nausea that come with it is such an individual thing.
What one woman experiences as a morning sickness might not look anything like what another woman experiences. There are degrees, & variances, & really, it just comes down to the fact that every woman is different, & every pregnancy is different.
[Word to the wise: when encountering a pregnant woman (no matter how whiny) the best approach is a good deal of compassion & empathy, period.]
Everything just looks bleak.
Whine, whine, whine. Moan, moan, moan. I know how obnoxious I must sound.
But I have had over a month & a half of this & I find myself in this twilight world of, yes I’m pregnant, but possibly, maybe, things won’t work out.
I think, am I feeling a cramp? Am I starting to cramp? Then I run to the bathroom just to make sure I’m not bleeding.
The mind games you go through after a miscarriage & then trying to get pregnant, & then actually getting pregnant. It’s a roller coaster, a maddening one at that because it’s all such an insular, private experience. It’s a strange, lonely place to be.
The thing that has given me hope, is this little photo.
Baby’s first picture:
Strong, tiny heartbeat.
And I can see her little arms & the some semblance of legs. That’s reassuring.
And if nothing else, each day I wake up, sicker than a dog, I think–hey, my body is pumped so full of pregnancy hormones, good things must be happening!
♥
Other bring joy posts you might want to check out:
- the Okinawan diet series: how much sweet potatoes do they really eat?
- dear first time mom: what 5 pregnancies have taught me
- purple potato 5 greens salad w/ sweet basil dressing {RECIPE}
- 12 years: can kids ruin marriage?
- do you have to count calories to lose weight?
- what to do when weight loss stalls
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