how to raise an independent child

I’m learning how to raise independent children. It takes practice.

You see, last week one morning, I desperately wanted to sleep in.

I hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before. Joseph was sick with the stomach flu. Typically Joseph or myself runs the morning routine before school–supervising getting the kids dressed, lunches made, breakfast, hair, getting homework & bags together.

I woke up my oldest two (7 & 8) & told them they needed to help the younger ones (5 & 3 year old) with breakfast & getting ready for the day because Joseph & I both needed to sleep.

Asher, my 7 year old’s response was: “Okay Mom.”

I feel asleep, but it was the kind of sleep where I was actually afraid of falling asleep. What if my 3 year old got into the cereal herself? Would they really be able to make & eat breakfast (cold cereal & milk) and make their lunches without our help? I wasn’t sure, but I knew I needed to let them test their boundaries, give them the opportunity to show that they’re capable & responsible (the essence of Merrillee Boyack’s awesome book). And really, I just needed a few more minutes of sleep.

Usually I walk my kids to school, but this day they knew they’d be riding the bus. I had Asher to report to me when they were ready to go to the bus stop. He came into our room about 10 minutes to 7 am.

“We’re all ready & we’re going to go to school now, Mom. You don’t have to get up.”

I did get up.

Though I was certain they were dressed & fed, I had to see for myself. Sure enough, they were all clothed, hair brushed, fed, lunches packed, with their backpacks on. And they had done it all by themselves.

In my why parenting is easier than you think post, I talk about how a lot of parents need to loosen the reins a bit. Resist the urge to hyper-parent. It’s scary, I know. But if we don’t give our kids opportunities to be independent, to learn independence when they are young, they are going to grow up to be fairly ill-equipped adults.

I once asked one of my older brothers how my parents did it.

You know, they had seven children. My mom was a registered nurse. My dad was an investment adivisor, so they both worked outside the home. It was a zoo–& for my parents, what with all of those kids, sports, lessons, homework, & work responsibilities on top of that, I’m sure it was a hefty load to bear at times.

My brothers response?

“Neglect.”

He’s a little tongue-and-cheek, this brother, & he said it in a half-truth, half-joking way.

I’ve talked about how all of my siblings (I’m at the tail end of the line) have become successful in their own rights. We’ve all received higher education, my brothers are all entrepreneurs doing very well for themselves. They are married, have families of their own. It’s not a coincidence that all of us have grown up to be high-functioning individuals. Though my parents can’t take all the credit, they certainly did a lot of things right.

And one of those things, whether intentional or not, was as I discussed in this post, was teach us independence through their somewhat hands off parenting style.

Joseph & I have diametrically opposite philosophies regarding how to “watch” our kids. Joseph serves as the chief master sargent over the kids when he’s around–he has a plan, a schedule. He dictates & leads with exactness. When I’m in charge, it’s much more: “figure out what you’re going to do or I’ll give you a job.”

For the most part, I expect them to entertain themselves. I provide the environment, I’ll supervise, I’ll suggest things for them to do. I’ll take them to the library, to the park, on walks, swimming. On occasion I’ll have them help me cook or we’ll make a craft. But rarely am I their playmate. I expect even Salem, my 3 year old, who stays at home with me all day to learn how to entertain herself. And she does. She sits & reads books (of her own volition), draws, does puzzles, plays with dolls–all by herself. Sure it’s *just* playing, but I think it’s an important precursor to learning how to be independent later in life, when the stakes are much greater.

I realize it’s often a fine line. That distinction between being an irresponsible parent & being a parent who is teaching their child how to function on their own.

When we were at craft time at the library today, I noticed how the other moms were helping their child with the craft–glueing, taping, even coloring.

I looked down at Salem who was having a hay day stapling the strip that was intended to have two bunny ears on it. She wasn’t doing the craft like she was supposed to. But she was figuring things out, being creative on her own terms. In a word, being independent. And I was absolutely okay with that.

What do you think is the biggest challenge in teaching kids how to be independent?
{For me, it’s hard to come to terms with the fact that they’re growing up & there will come a time when they really don’t need you (but that’s a good thing!).}

♥

P.S. I’ve compiled all of my recipes in one easy to navigate recipe index page. Check it out!
(& I have fun looking at some of my older posts–oh, the photography.)