This is one of those posts I’m not sure I can do justice.
My thoughts regarding the issues I’m going to talk about are still unfinished & perhaps rough at best, though I feel important enough to share with you, & I hope you’ll add yours, as I always learn from what you have to say.
I’ve talked about some of the emotions I’ve felt, some of the things I’ve learned, since becoming a parent.
As my kids get older, there’s a sense of awe at watching them develop & learn, become more independent, learn skills & talents. Of being pleasantly surprised at their quick & clever remarks. All of these things are the perks of parenting.
But then there’s the hard stuff. Which I’m sure I’m only beginning to broach.
When you’re in you’re 20’s, speaking for myself, it’s easy to be preoccupied with the physical–looks, worrying about aging, weight–kinda the superficial stuff, that you realize with a bit of time & years of parenting under your belt, is not what really matters.
This happens as you get a taste of the fragility of life, through watching others or yourself, go through intense pain & suffering for one reason or another. It also occurs as you realize that you have the responsibility to teach & raise another human being (or multiple human beings, as the case may be), and the magnitude of that, is not something to be taken lightly.
What I wear, how I do my hair, what movies are on my Netflix queue, just seems so insignificant in comparison to the weight of responsibility that I feel as a parent.
My sister recently sent me this article, “What Christian Parents Need to Know About Pornography.”
It’s an excellent article, though I’d retitle it–what every parent, needs to know about pornography. This isn’t just a Christian issue. Pornography affects everyone, & it’s an issue that touches me deeply as I’ve seen it destroy relationships, marriages, & lives of those close to me.
All this said, I haven’t talked to my kids yet about pornography, I haven’t talked to them about sex yet.
I have a copy of Richard & Linda Eyre’s book, Talking to Your Kids About Sex. Joseph & I have decided that age 8 is the right age to have the sex talk with our children. Hyrum turned 8 in July.
We haven’t had the talk yet. I want to read the Eyre’s book first, Joseph thinks that’s unnecessary. “That’s for people who don’t have the background you & I do.” Which is true, I guess. I’m never afraid to learn from someone else though, especially people like the Eyre’s who have done a marvelous job raising their 9 children.
I know I must talk with my children, when the time is right, and always make sure they know they can talk to me about anything, especially those questions & concerns revolving around sex, media use, relationships. Easier said than done though, I’m afraid.
Last Friday evening, I experienced something for the first time–that anxiety a parent feels when their child goes off to another person’s home for the first time. Sure, Hyrum has had “play dates” before, but this wasn’t a play date. Somehow this was different. It seemed a step shy of a sleepover.
Hyrum had been invited to go over to a friends house. The mom of the friend picked him up & he stayed for a 3 hours. I didn’t know the family prior to this (the friend was one from school), other than chatting with the mother over the phone & meeting her in person before she picked up Hyrum.
15 minutes after he left, I had to actively try to curb my anxiety–“What was I thinking, letting him go over to a friends house–I don’t even know the parents!” & “What if they get on the computer–what if they get onto websites that I would never allow Hyrum to be on (ie. pornography)” or “What if they watch a movie with adult content.” All of these things flooded my mind. I was not prepared for those emotions & feelings. I was tempted to go pick him up early just to ease my apprehension.
Three hours later Hyrum did come home–by all accounts, unscathed, & he had a fun time. They played the wi, played with legos.
But for me, this brought up the somewhat larger, & more perplexing issue of boundaries, of independence, of hoping & praying that your child will make good decisions when you are not with them.
After all, the goal is to raise them to be completely independent, to be critical-thinking, smart, yet faith-filled people who can go out into the world with confidence & with a sure footing in what they value, in what they believe. This doesn’t happen overnight. In fact, the traditional length of time is about 18 years or so.
The work of a parent is often so subtle, I worry I miss things sometimes.
You know, like those little conversations that may happen in the car, or before school, or after dinner while washing the dishes. Or may not happen, because I’m too distracted, tired, or just preoccupied.
I watch my girls– who are still very much enveloped in the world of make-believe, princesses, innocence. My boys–who are also still in a world of magic & superheros, where war is not something really real, but a cool thing that their green plastic army men do.
I worry about the life ahead of them. Will I prepare them adequately? Will I help instill in them a faith, quiet & deep, strong enough to guide them through the often treacherous waters of life?
I have great parents, they taught me well.
But the world has changed so much from even 20 years ago, & though the principles of good parenting never change, the tactics & strategies to carry out those principles must.
When I was a kid, there were no cell phones, internet. The world has always had a generous amount of tragedy, un-understandable complexity & pain, but when you become a parent–it’s as if the blinders come off. You can no longer ignore harsh realities, because if you do, you’re setting your child up for a great deal of pain later on.
Yes, I worry about pornography. I have several immediate & extended family members whose lives have been touched by the evils of pornography. Pornography is: degrading towards women (& men), repulsive & vile, but more than that, I see it as a real threat to the livelihood & happiness of my children. There’s nothing good about it. And it’s a plague, that for some reason, particularly amongst people of faith, tends to cut deepest.
Sometimes I don’t know if my heart & mind can hold all the love, concern, and yes, sometimes anxiety of caring for & raising four, soon to be five children. I worry about the multitude of things a parent can worry about–not so much about if they’ll go to college, or if we can afford it, but what kinds of friends they’ll make, what choices they’ll make as they grow older.
♥
Did your parents ever talk to you about sex? Pornography?
Parents: have you talked with your kids about sex yet? Pornography? What age do you think is appropriate to begin discussing these issues in greater detail?
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