Over the past 3 months, I’ve gone through periods of intense reflection–being away from technology has a way of doing that to you.
About the time I decided I needed to take the summer off, Sheryl Sandberg & others were making the headlines, making their voices known in the: “woman can have it all” discussion. I find the topic a bit well-worn, myself. But beyond that, it did get me thinking–why is it that we think we should “have it all”? And for that matter, what does “having it all” really mean?
I spent my 20’s as a working mom. Granted, it wasn’t full-time so I was able to be with my kids more than someone who is working 40, 50, or 60 hour weeks. And it was a great job, a career if that’s what I wanted. And then, all of sudden, things switched. No longer living a life of uncertainty, supporting a student-husband, I now got to be a full-time mom. You know, of the stay-at-home variety. So that’s been my reality for the past year or so, & in many ways, my life, my perceptions have shifted & sometimes I don’t know what to make of it.
During my time away from the online world, I thought about issues of working, being a mom, of “having it all.” I thought about blogging. I didn’t think about blogging (for long stretches). Mostly I just enjoyed life.
My sister asked me, one day in August, “So do you miss writing on your blog?”
It was a funny question, I thought, & my answer startled me: “Not really,” I said. And I was telling the truth.
Time away from technology allowed my brain to breath. The online world can be a vacuum–of time, emotional energy, & talents. And the rewards are often paltry.
Also, there had been something weighing on my mind, which is, if I took a step back (which I did over the summer), I realized that blogging in essence is rather presumptuous, & can be narcissistic.
Like, I think my life & thoughts, opinions are so interesting/important/funny, etc. that I think other people should tune in to what I have to say. Because truth is, I’m not sure I’m that person. I’m not sure that what I think, or what I have to say is any more important or interesting than the next person. And the “me, me,” look at me! culture that often pervades the blogosphere culture is something I find extremely off-putting. I’m not sure I want to be a part of that.
Also, am I food blogger (I can’t compete with the awesomeness of Angela or Dreena) or something else entirely, & further, does the world really need more recipes (from me, that is)?
Without blogging, tweeting, reading blogs, I spent the summer connected to people. My kids primarily, Joseph, & other family & friends. The kids & I drove to Washington state & spent the 5 weeks playing, exploring, camping, & being with lots of aunts, uncles, cousins, & grandparents. It was real.
Maybe it’s time to retire that part of my life, came the reoccurring thought.
I did have many, many aha! moments where I realized that my career for the time being, is absolutely about raising my kids to be responsible, smart, compassionate, honest & self-reliant. This takes time, lots of energy, & more than that, a present mind. I want to do it right & if you know me, once I set my mind to a goal, I charge forward.
Time goes quickly (my oldest is now 8), & there’s no going back in time. I don’t want regrets. I’ve had a taste of the career world, & it doesn’t hold a flame to the joy/growth/stretching/learning I personally experience as a mother. So raising my kids, along with being Joseph’s partner in life, are my priority.
I also am at the point in my life where I no longer feel comfortable sharing much about my kids’ lives. They’re getting older. I want to respect that. This blog has never been about my kids anyway, but it’s clear now that this is my pursuit, not theirs.
I admit, I often feel hesitant to share my personal stuff here, but I realize that writing authentically is about a certain amount of vulnerability. Even if it does sometimes make me squeamish at the the thought that the inner-workings of my brain are broadcast across the www, available to anyone at the click of a mouse.
While these thoughts were swirling around this summer, I got thoughtful emails from you, I continued to get new likes on my FB page, & people continued to comment on the blog (especially on this post–which is over 4 years old!).
I even met one of my long-time readers (Tiffany) at church & I thought you know, maybe there is a place for me. Maybe I need this. Clearly, I’m not in this for money, I’m not in it to show off how cool I am (I get plenty of reassurance on that front from Joseph), I’m not in it for the traffic or book deal, I’m in in because of you. I need you. Knowing that you read, helps me to formulate thoughts, share, learn, expose vulnerabilities, grow.
So, that friend, is why, I’m not quitting the blog.
I’m selfish. I need you. It’s that simple.
So what’s up next on the blog?
I have some exciting news to share, a post on how I perfected (finally!) homemade soymilk to taste like Silk, how we blew our summer budget by $2,000 & what we’re doing to dig ourselves out of it (selling stuff on ebay, making my own bread…), & why beans can be such finicky things (especially crockpot baked beans) or rather, what I discovered by trial & error about beans.
I wish I was one of those types who could say: I’ll post every Monday & Thursday & Friday, but I’m not. I guess that’s why I love this blog so much. I will continue to post {MM} every Monday, but beyond that, who knows? I’ll post when I post.
Until next time, here are a few links I thought you might like:
♥ this post on cellulite: it’s normal! okay?!
♥ this combo of fruits, veggies, & greens by Gena
♥ these (by Joy) are so pretty.
I’m sure easily made gf & veganized–
use gf pie crust, earth balance, & egg replacer.
Again, so pretty, & perfect for fall.
♥ a weirdly funny (actually, I thought hilarious) song about foxes,
watch it.
♥ I’m going to copy MJ’s fall bucket list.
She is so cool.
♥ Back-to-School food–vegan-style
40+ ideas for whole-foods breakfasts
&
10 recipes for school lunches + tips
I’m glad to be back. You’re awesome, & you know I love ya.
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