My 5 big fears

“Live your life by faith, not fear.”

I like this mantra.  I try to live by it.  But I have to be honest, I do have a few things that worry me.

My 5 big fears:

  I will miss out.
I won’t be the mother I hope to be.
I will be in debt for the rest of my life.
I won’t live authentically.
I will let down people who love me.

♥♥

1.  I will miss out.
I remember as a kid never wanting to go to sleep because I was afraid my older brothers & sisters (I come from a big, loud family) would make cookies & play games & I would miss out.

This fear still remains.  Although instead of cookies & games, I fear that I will miss out on life.  That there are books that I’m not reading that I should be.  That there are people I’m not meeting that I should be.  That there are talents I’m supposed to be developing that I’m not.

2.  I won’t be the mother I hope to be.
There comes a point in the life of every mother where she is confronted with these hard truths:  1)  She loves her children more than life, & 2)  She is limited by time & space in executing that love.

I told Joseph once, that I’m glad we have several children.  For a variety of reasons, but primarily because I have so much love in me, if I only had one child I fear I would have no other choice but to smother that child.   I’m grateful I can spread out the love amongst four children.

Some days I wish I had a few nannies & a housekeeper.  There are always more things to do in a day that can get done, & a few extra pair of hands & hearts would be helpful.  One of the greatest challenges as mothers, is not in wanting to love our children, but in knowing how to best spend & allocate our time so that we have the energy required to give our children the love & attention they need.

3.  I will be in debt for the rest of my life.
For the past 4 years, we have voluntarily gone into debt because of education.  Student loans & credit cards have been our way of life, & I am tired of living this way.  I’m thankful Joseph finally has a good career & steady income.  But it is going to take us several years of intense, steady dedication for us to repay all our loans & get in a good place financially.

I don’t care what I have to do to get out from under the weight of debt.  I loathe it, I hate it.  As long as there is debt over our heads, we cannot live fully.

4.  I won’t live authentically.
If you know me, you know that I want to know what’s right.  I want to not only know what’s right, but what is right for me.  And once I know that something is right for me, I go forward & I don’t look back.  I want to be true to what I know, I want to live authentically.

I am not comfortable with doing something “just because.”  I have to know for myself.  My desire to live authentically & true is as great as my desire to eat & sleep.  And this desire can sometimes be a bit maddening.

5.  I will let down people who love me.
I do this thing when people call me.  Before they even say a word, I think, “Oh gosh, what did I do now?” and I rack my brain of all the possible scenarios in which I failed them or messed up.

♥♥♥

What are your big fears?


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