Pinning + control

I keep on thinking, if I manage to realize that I’m thinking at all, I’m fine.

I don’t miss Joseph.

And it’s true.  In a way I don’t.  I have plenty to keep my mind occupied.  I’ve always been more of an independent sorta woman.

I didn’t used to “get” pinterest.  To me, it was all just pictures.  Trying to live life vicariously through others.  Like, my house is a mess, so I’ll pin 20 pictures of how to clean, rather than actually cleaning.  Or, I’m broke, but I can pin a dozen things that I’ll never actually buy nor ever actually afford.  Since I have terrible utilitarian tendencies, pinning just seemed like a waste of time, equivalent to chronic daydreaming or playing golf on a wii (why not just play real golf?).

I know this all sounds terribly pessimistic.

But I tell you this, because this week, I found myself, unable to sleep (despite exhaustion), pinning away.  In a sleeping house, I find myself at my computer.  Getting lost on other people’s boards.  Pinning & pinning, categorizing, rearranging & organizing my boards.  And for what?  I don’t have a house of my own.  Those beautiful kitchens, throw pillows, immaculate living rooms, spacious & bright gardens cannot be mine right now.

I’m living in limbo, without my husband.  Further, we are about to embark on a daunting debt-reduction plan, austerity measures the likes of which we’ve never before experienced.  It’s clear, for the foreseeable future, I won’t have any discretionary income with which to buy those pinned “wish list” items.

I realized, that my lack of control over the circumstances in my life is making me search for something, anything that I can dominate.  It’s simple, really.  I can’t control the fact that I’m currently in transition for the next 4 months.  I can’t control that my husband is not here.  I can’t control my environment because I don’t live in my own house.  But I can carefully, methodically create & organize the life I want to have, wish to have.

Yes, at it’s worst, pinterest can be an escape from really living, an imitation.  A fantasy of the life one may never have.

At it’s best though, pinterest, like any other social media tool, allows one to explore, discover, share, imagine, escape.  And for now, I really need that.

I have to go pin now.

♥♥♥

Have you ever found yourself doing something, only to realize later that you were doing as a way to assert control in your life?
Do you pin?  What do you think of pinterest?


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