Balance

I hope this post makes sense, because I have a feeling it’s going to be nothing more than ramblings.

I am prone to exaggeration. Like: This is the best cake I’ve ever tasted! or I have never felt better! or This is the worst day ever, I want to die!

The truth is, I live life at level of extremes. There’s no middle ground for me. Like when I decided to run a half-marathon, I went all way with my training. Hard core for four months. I am competitive, and knowing I was going to run with my siblings, I wanted to politely but affirmatively beat ’em all. And I did. At the expense of intense training, and getting severely dehydrated during/after the race because I refused to take any water breaks (I had to win, didn’t I?).

Finding balance, is something I’ve always yearned for, but never quite seemed to grasp. The balance in my mind, looks something like this.

1. Get a proper night’s rest (not likely with a newborn).
2. Eat ONLY two squares of dark chocolate with almonds.
3. Read one novel a week (I wish!).
4. Make time for daily reflection and meditation (again, I wish!).
5. Keep my house at certain level of “normal” and “clean,” you know, avoid the general chaotic mess that causes us all to lose our minds.
6. Practice yoga on a consistent basis (hmm, how to fit this one in, I’m not sure).
7. Spend an equal amount of time giving individual attention to each one my children.

The list goes on, but you get the idea.

I’ve often thought that despite my deep desire for balance, it’s simply not in the stars for me.

Now that I have four kids, that wish for balance seems nothing more than a pipe dream. I see my kids growing up too fast. I feel too short on time, and I worry that important things, the most important things (like my relationships), will suffer at the expense of less important things (like housework, perhaps??). I wish I could capture moments with my kids, somehow put them in a jar to be put on a shelf and I could take them out and look at them twenty years to come. I never want to forget the warmth I feel when I hold them close and read them a book. Or the cute things they say every day that surprise me and make me laugh.

My cousin posted this video on her blog. I’ve been a big fan of Mindy Gledhill, ever since J and I went to one of her concerts last year but had never heard this song before.

This seems to explain what I’ve been feeling lately.

Balance, whoever/whatever you are, I perhaps I will meet you, someday. For now, it seems that we are not destined to be together. At least not yet.