5 ways to make a good marriage, better

how-to-make-a-good-marriage-better

I can’t/don’t sing–except at church where my voice is comfortably drowned out by other voices, or lullabies to babies who don’t mind an off-note. I don’t play a musical instrument–other than very simple songs on the piano.

I can dance a little better now than I did in high school (6 years of teaching aerobics has a way of improving coordination–a bit), but you’ll never find me on “Dancing with the Stars.”

I was always smart “enough” to get into the top classes, but I was never at the top, and if I was, it was only due to an inordinate amount of willpower & work. I took art classes in college  but I my professors always had a “I have no idea what to say” look on their face every time they looked at my mediocre watercolors & sketches.

Let’s just say, I have been deeply, painfully aware of all my inadequacies. But, there’s one thing I’m really kind of good at.

Marriage.

I’m good at it. Or maybe it’s Joseph that’s really good at it. Or maybe both of us, together, makes us good at it. I don’t know, it doesn’t really matter.

Being the bibliophile (or wannabe bibliophile) that I am, I read a lot of literature that delves into the complexities, the hardness of relationships and marriage (it seems to be a favorite theme of so many writers). I read these accounts with a certain amount of wonder, curiosity. I’ve never found marriage to be difficult. Being pregnant? Trying to keep my house clean? Getting out of debt? That’s hard. But being married has never been hard.

I don’t want to sound braggy. Forgive me if I do.

I’m well aware that there are plenty of marriages out there that are less than ideal, that have a set of challenges, hurdles to cross.

Because of this, I’m hesitant to give advice about marriage. I can’t personally relate. Joseph & I have often said, no one will believe us. (Or worse, they’ll hate us because we seem so self-righteous.) That we actually don’t fight–we discuss, we talk, but we don’t fight. I can’t think of a time Joseph or I have ever raised our voices at each other. We don’t get on each other’s nerves (really). And yes, we’d rather spend time with each other than any one else. And lest you think, “girl, you’re still in the honeymoon phase–just you wait!”, maybe we are. But if we are, it’s been a nearly 10 year honeymoon.

Let me be clear.

I understand just as every person is unique, so is every marriage. And this post is not about how great my marriage is, look at how perfect we are.  But rather, I’d like to share a few observations about why I think Joseph & I have found so much joy & pleasure in being married to each other. How I think anyone can make a good marriage, even better.

 

5 things we do to make our marriage better

5 ways to make a good marriage, better

1. We see each other as equals.
We’ve worked together in supporting each other in our goals & dreams. We’re on the same page intellectually & spiritually. Sharing the same faith, having similar upbringings (having grown up in the same home town & shared many of the same teachers & circles of friends), & both having higher levels of education, we’re able to appreciate each other & support each other. Joseph never assumes it’s my job to do all the domestic stuff just as I don’t assume that he makes all the money & I spend it.

We’re team, we work together as co-partners in raising & supporting our children. And truth be told, in many ways he makes a much better homemaker than me, and folds laundry, sweeps, mops, cooks, & cleans toilets with the best of them.

2. We talk, then talk some more.
We both love discussing ideas. In fact, our short 10 day courtship before we got engaged (yes, we only dated 10 days before we got engaged) was spent in hours of conversation. From the moment we really started talking with each other, we’ve always had plenty to say. And if we don’t have anything to say, that’s fine too. We just like being in the same space, sharing ideas & thoughts as we feel so inclined.

3. We laugh. A lot.
We share a similar sense of humor, which, can I tell you, I think is so important in a marriage. A husband wants to think he’s funny, a wife wants to think she’s clever. And it is extremely stress-relieving to be able to share laughs at the end of a long day.

4. We spend daily alone time together.
We kick the kids out (this is why I believe God blessed us with Disney movies & legos), we lock our door, we focus on each other. 15 minutes in the morning before the kids are up, 10 minutes after Joseph gets home from work, &/or 45 minutes before we go to bed & the kids are all asleep. Dates, with a sitter, on the weekends.

I remember taking a marriage & family course in college & the professor saying that successful couples need to spend a minimum of 15 hours a week of time together–alone. No kids, no pals, no other family members. It seems like a lofty goal, but I know it can be done (even admist intense work schedules & four young kids!). It requires some personal sacrifice, perhaps. But the trade off is a more fulfilling, deeper relationship.

It’s not just about quality time (though that does count for something), but consistent, daily, quantity time.

If we’re not in the same space (ie. work travel or training) we make it a point to have conversations as often as we’re able.

5. We are all over each other. (I’m blushing.)
What I mean is, we love showing physical affection.

We have these rituals–first thing in the morning we greet each other with a kiss, a hug. Before I leave or he leaves anywhere we part with a kiss. We hold hands whenever we can. A brush on the shoulder, a mini-back rub, a swat on the tush. Any & all of these things are common place. After a particularly challenging day, we like to spend a few minutes on the couch just cuddling.

And, do I even have to mention how important sex is? Ladies, it’s important (read Meg’s manifesto on it).

While we’re on the topic of sex, it’s important to have an open discussion about pornography with your spouse. From the beginning of our marriage, we’ve had an open dialogue about our expectations. For us, absolutely no pornography of any kind. Keeping the relationship in & out of the bedroom, healthy & satisfying to both us is an important factor in helping each spouse steer clear of the porn temptation. (We also have filters on our computer/media devices & keep computer/TV in our family room.)

What do you think makes a marriage better? Please share your thoughts, insights.


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