“Live your life by faith, not fear.”
I like this mantra. I try to live by it. But I have to be honest, I do have a few things that worry me.
My 5 big fears:
I will miss out.
I won’t be the mother I hope to be.
I will be in debt for the rest of my life.
I won’t live authentically.
I will let down people who love me.
1. I will miss out.
I remember as a kid never wanting to go to sleep because I was afraid my older brothers & sisters (I come from a big, loud family) would make cookies & play games & I would miss out.
This fear still remains. Although instead of cookies & games, I fear that I will miss out on life. That there are books that I’m not reading that I should be. That there are people I’m not meeting that I should be. That there are talents I’m supposed to be developing that I’m not.
2. I won’t be the mother I hope to be.
There comes a point in the life of every mother where she is confronted with these hard truths: 1) She loves her children more than life, & 2) She is limited by time & space in executing that love.
I told Joseph once, that I’m glad we have several children. For a variety of reasons, but primarily because I have so much love in me, if I only had one child I fear I would have no other choice but to smother that child. I’m grateful I can spread out the love amongst four children.
Some days I wish I had a few nannies & a housekeeper. There are always more things to do in a day that can get done, & a few extra pair of hands & hearts would be helpful. One of the greatest challenges as mothers, is not in wanting to love our children, but in knowing how to best spend & allocate our time so that we have the energy required to give our children the love & attention they need.
3. I will be in debt for the rest of my life.
For the past 4 years, we have voluntarily gone into debt because of education. Student loans & credit cards have been our way of life, & I am tired of living this way. I’m thankful Joseph finally has a good career & steady income. But it is going to take us several years of intense, steady dedication for us to repay all our loans & get in a good place financially.
I don’t care what I have to do to get out from under the weight of debt. I loathe it, I hate it. As long as there is debt over our heads, we cannot live fully.
4. I won’t live authentically.
If you know me, you know that I want to know what’s right. I want to not only know what’s right, but what is right for me. And once I know that something is right for me, I go forward & I don’t look back. I want to be true to what I know, I want to live authentically.
I am not comfortable with doing something “just because.” I have to know for myself. My desire to live authentically & true is as great as my desire to eat & sleep. And this desire can sometimes be a bit maddening.
5. I will let down people who love me.
I do this thing when people call me. Before they even say a word, I think, “Oh gosh, what did I do now?” and I rack my brain of all the possible scenarios in which I failed them or messed up.
What are your big fears?