I want to tell you how I’m doing. But it’s hard.
I don’t want to whine. Who likes a whiner?
I don’t want to paint my life as a-okay. Because it’s not.
I want to be honest, open.
Here goes.
The past few weeks have felt the longest of my life. It seems like years have gone by since Joseph left. There are moments throughout the day where I love what I’m doing. But there are also parts of the day that I do not like. That are not fun.
I could go on about how this homeschool adventure is one of the greatest challenges of my life. Further I could tell you all about how I lack adequate rest. Or how I miss my husband & that single parenting is not the way to go. About the tantrums (there have been a few), the struggles of kids missing their dad. How sometimes I’m not sure I have it in me to give anymore than I have given.
But why dwell on that, when we’ve got cupcakes?
These have been a bright spot in my life, to be sure. I’ve learned there’s just something about cupcakes when you’re feeling down.
Measuring the flour.
Sifting in salt, baking powder.
Mixing dry & wet.
Pouring thick batter into neat circles.
Watching the batter rise up & puff.
Pulling out the warm cakes.
Finishing with controlled, even strokes of white glaze.
It’s soothing. Making something fluffy & light, when your life is heavy. There’s something to this.
Similar to the happy birthday cupcakes, these include tofu, which lends extra protein & gives them a nice texture.
Tofu is the "secret" ingredient of these vegan, gluten-free vanilla cupcakes. Ingredients Instructions Notes Additional Nutritional Info: Without frosting: 3 g protein, 1 g fiber, 17 g carbs 106 mg sodium. Frosting adds .5 g protein & 4 g carbs. If using gluten-free flour, note that the cupcakes will be more dense. If using white or wheat pastry flour, cupcakes will be lighter & bigger.
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What do you make or do to make things feel lighter?
Cupcakes are a little bit of happiness in a cute wrapper (packaging is what sells most things after all).
It’s ok to feel like you need to unload, it will be healthier for you and give you a chance to have support even if just in the form of comments on your post.
I’m sorry you are tired and that this will be the longest 100 days with Joseph’s absence. However I don’t think God gives us more than we can handle (even if we doubt his sanity a little).
Keep pushing on and keep unloading (I don’t think it is whining) and while you’re at it if you happen to be in the kitchen continue cranking out deliciousness like these cupcakes!
You are a strong beautiful woman keep the faith Janae.
Single parenting is hard, I’ve been doing it solo for over two years now. Maybe that’s why I’m such a big fan of dessert (and wine, ahem).
Your vegan birthday cupcakes rocked my son’s birthday party, and I’m betting that these are just as good!
Hang in there, friend. No one likes a whiner, but I adore and respect when bloggers are open and honest about what’s really going on behind the screen. Vent away! (Also? Pass me a cupcake!)
All I can say is YOU DESERVE SOME CUPCAKES!!! I’m sending prayers and positive thoughts your way, talk about challenging!! I know you’re up for it though:0)
Thank you, Joya–ox!
I just came across your blog a few days ago, and I have to say, I think it is beautiful! Your photos are gorgeous, your recipes sound amazing, and your writing makes me want to keep reading more. I am sorry things are tough right now–I can only imagine. I have kids, but my husband has never been away for more than a few days at a time. Hang in there!
I am excited to try tofu in baked goods–thank you for sharing your recipe.
Thank you Candy, you’re very kind to say so. Nice to “meet” you!
I can really relate. My husband travels a lot, and when he first started his job 3 years ago, I missed him so much that I almost felt like he had died. That sounds terrible I know, but I can’t think of another way to describe it. I longed for him to be there, and being a “single mom”, even temporarily is HARD!! Hang in there! Someday you’ll look back and be amazed at how strong you are!
And somehow it does get easier!
Crystal, I know what you mean, the feeling of being completely alone & on your own. Fortunately I have the support of family, which helps A LOT. Even still, at the end of the day, it’s just me, & I cannot deny that’s a heck of a burden/responsibility. Joseph & I want to teach our children about the importance of working hard & sacrifice, & I suppose this is one of the ways in which we can do that. We’re trying to use this as a teaching moment for them, so that hopefully they’ll understand that sometimes life IS hard. As with anything in life, hard things often do get easier with practice & a good attitude. Thanks for your insights–love your positive energy.
I wish there was something I could help with! I can only imagine how challenging this is for you, and admire your ability to talk about it, slough it off, and keep going. Life goes on. You and your children are a team now and I’m confident you’ll make it work together. Doesn’t make it any easier though!
When I’m feeling cramped, overwhelmed and stressed, I take a bath or take a nap. Just a couple of minutes if I can!
PS: tofu in gluten-free, vegan cupcakes? Smart!
A bath & a nap. That’s the equivalent of going on a cruise for me, right about now. Wonderful suggestion, Leanne, thank you. (& I appreciate your offer to help–I have no doubt if you could, you would!)
Dear Janae,
If you think you were whining, you obviously have never been in contact with a few people I know.
You and your family are going through a very tough transition right now. You are allowed to be tired, overwhelmed, and sad! Just remember that it is a transition and not a permanent state.
Love your blog and recipes. I have been craving sweets all day.
Stay strong and remember to SLEEP.
Hi Kristi, thanks for the love. I know, all of these emotions are part of the process, part of life. But still, it is hard. Focusing on what I’m thankful for & trying to stay present also is helping.
(& yes, I know, I need to sleep. you sound like my mother
)
Whiner!…..Just kidding
…It’s really hard to have the husband/ best friend gone. My husband and I did a few months here and there with school and job changes. It was hard. And homeschooling was a huge challenge for me the first two years. We’re on to year three, and it’s been a lot better, because I chilled out and bought a curriculum…I used to stay up all night when my husband was gone and be oscar the grouch all day. We baked cookies during these times. 
“I used to stay up all night when my husband was gone and be oscar the grouch all day. We baked cookies during these times.” Yes, that about describes the situation. Although I’d like to think I’m a grouch only 33% of the time
.
Glad to hear home school gets easier. Cause right now, it’s pretty overwhelming.
Can I just add that I’ll bring the cheese? I love a good whine party. It doesn’t have to be cupcakes all the time.
You are taking on a whole lot right now, and I imagine there will be a whole wealth of stories to come from it. XO, MJ
“I imagine there will be a whole wealth of stories to come from it.” You can bet your bottom dollar on it!
So sorry you’re feeling down Janae
Totally understandable, and helpful and healthy to be honest about it i think. You are an amazing mom (from all i see on your blogs, and the love that shines through for your kids in your posts), and I am praying this time passes quickly for you.
The oil issue is a big reason i don’t do much GF baking. Also, i hate that you really usually need to use at least some refined GF flours to get a half-decent texture. I often just prefer corn tortillas or rice cakes if i really need bread, and i think i’ve gotten used to just not having true “sweets” anymore. Might change with kids…
I am intrigued by the carrot cake mix from Simply Organic…lots of sugar, but they use only brown rice flour, and the vegan version of making it uses no oil or eggs- the only addition is applesauce! Think i’m gonna try it sometime as i’ve heard good reviews about it. If it is tasty, maybe i could try recreating it without the mix….
Thank you Tanya, so sweet & kind of you to send your positive energy my way.
I know, isn’t it a shame about gf baking–it’s just so hard to not use oil. I too am a fan of rice cakes & corn tortillas, but you’re a stronger woman that I. I love bread, I still love sweets, & especially with kids, I have to/want to bake. It’s just a motherly thing to do, ya know? (not to mention I have to keep those crazy kids full–they’re always clamoring for more food!). I’ll have to look into the Simply Organic mix, sounds like a good deal.
You know what? Jesus said life would be hard. We think we are suppose to be these happy creatures 24/7 but that is impossible when we are not “home” yet! What happens is society says “be happy” “shop and be happy” “drink and be happy” “eat and be happy” “take more happy pills”. So when we are down we feel even more sad about being down! Allow yourself to miss your husband and feel overwhelmed about having all your kids and parenting them to a higher form of parenting. That is human. But now the tough part is taking that hurt and giving it to God. He is the only one that can bring peace in your life (besides baking!) xo
Thank you Katie–such a good reminder that we don’t have to be “happy, happy, HAPPY!” all of the time. I’m certainly experiencing the whole gamut of emotions here, which I think in the end, is what life is about. Experiencing the hard & bitter, so that the sweet & good means something.
Yes, you are right but do know you are not alone. I can normally follow my own advice every week except for my pms weeks! Then I feel swallowed hole. Very hopeless. Even though deep down I know what to be thankful for I still battle with feelings of “not being happy with my life”. During those times I try to nurture myself a bit more (with sweets
) and rest (when the kids allow it) and limit my life demands. I hope your husband’s return is faster than you think and you can regain some comforting normalcy again!
I know, PMS is the worst. I barely returned to having monthly cycles (after more than 2 years of not due to pregnancy/breastfeeding)–I had forgotten what a beast it is to deal w/ all the hormonal shifts, etc. Thank you for your sweetness, Katie! ox
I agree that you are not whining, but sharing, which is kind of what blogging is all about! I love when people share authentically as you have here. I don’t know how you do it with 4 little ones. Baking is totally therapy for me. I put on a good audiobook so my brain has to focus on something, and it can help erase a bad day. I have tried to do lots of experiments with gluten free and vegan cupcakes, but haven’t had much success. Tofu is so brilliant!! I hope you feel better, you are a beautiful person!!
Thanks ALissa. I love the audiobook idea! I’ve been craving some literature therapy, but as you might imagine, finding time to sit down with a good book is challenging. I love listening to podcasts & find time to do it at night while doing dishes. I think I need to get a few audiobooks to start plugging away at. Do you have an recommends?
Gluten-free vegan baking is kind of mystery–it can easily turn out a mess! This is why I just can’t get around using a bit of oil some of the recipes. When you think about it, if you take away gluten, oil/butter, eggs, all of the traditional ways to lift & bind baked goods, it gets a little hairy.
(I’m a big fan of tofu too.)
A little whining is A-OK, Janae! I had to do a lot of it last year during the dog days of Orgo. Please don’t feel that you have to apologize for your honesty.
I agree about cupcakes; there’s a festive quality about them that lifts spirits no matter what’s going on.
As for missing Joseph, I’m so sorry you do. That said, I can’t agree about single parenting not being the way to go! It’s not the norm, of course, but as a kid who was raised by a single mom (and feels for sure that my life would have been less happy had my parents stayed together), I feel the need to interject
I totally get that you were saying it’s not the way to go when a happy, intact family is separated by temporary circumstances, but on the whole, I think it can work beautifully.
Yes, cupcakes have a celebratory quality about them, don’t they?
Sounds like you had an amazing mom. I guess my comment came out wrong. I mean no disrespect to single parents. Not at all!
What I mean is that I would never want to choose to raise my FOUR kids as a single parent. I’m stretched too thin, & I just don’t have all the skills to relate w/ my boys like Joseph does. I know for one, I cannot wrestle & bond with them in quite the way that he does. I just have so much admiration & respect for those who are full-time single parents. They have my respect. And to clear up any confusion, I definitely think it can work beautifully but I’m grateful that I don’t have to go at this very intimidating responsibility of parenthood alone! I need those extra hands & heart, because raising kids, especially if you’re committed to really being a present parent, is a lot of work & sacrifice, one made much easier by having a supportive companion.
Oh, Janae, I agree! Parenting is tremendous work, and I think that one typically tries to do it in a pair for a reason! My mom was amazing, but also only had one child, a very quiet, bookish daughter who liked to be left alone (not four energetic boys). I once babysat for three boys at once, and thought, how does their Mom do it??
Anyway, I just wanted to put it out there because I wasn’t quite sure if it was single parenting on the whole you meant, or your situation as a parent. I totally get that you were speaking in the context of your own life. And I actually do think there is a good case to be made for co-parenting as preferable to single parenting, because raising children is such a deep emotional and physical challenge, though I do try to be open to the possibility of all family structures being viable and healthy, even if they’re unusual.
I love reading your blog, and was touched by your email to Joseph the other day. I will send you lots of sisterly hugs through the ether till he gets home.
Gena thank you! You’ve made my day. I just love how you seek for such clarity in communication. I respect & appreciate that about you.
“And I actually do think there is a good case to be made for co-parenting as preferable to single parenting, because raising children is such a deep emotional and physical challenge, though I do try to be open to the possibility of all family structures being viable and healthy, even if they’re unusual.” What a lovely, open-minded thought. No doubt there are many many families who do not fit “the mold” but can be said to be healthy & happy.
& I’m sure you were the best sort of child. Your description reminds me of Rory from Gilmore Girls
(Thanks for the hugs!)
I like a whiner, that’s who!
But- you aren’t whining! You are sharing. You are keeping it real. And this is one of the many reasons I love reading your blog. It’s not a sugar coated portrayal of the perfect mom with the perfect kids surrounded by a field of sweet smelling flowers & a backdrop of harp music. There are enough of those blogs out there already. Not one of us has a perfect life and it really helps to share about the bumps in the road with each other. While we definitely have so very much for which to be grateful in our lives, there are just times that it helps to unload a bit. Thanks for sharing all sides of your life with us. I know it makes me feel better about some of my not-so-great mom moments.
My life has been way too consumed with the demands of my job so I’m feeling stressed and spending way too much time away from home. October will be even worse based on my work schedule so its hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes. But, I just do what I can with the kids when I can and pray for a time that I can be with them more during the week. When I’m stressed- I like to get busy in the kitchen. Last weekend, I cooked and baked enough to stock our meals for the entire week and then some. My hands are still wrinkly from washing the mountains of dirty pans and bowls! I have a feeling your cupcakes will make a debut this weekend! They look yummo. I generally sub out the oil in recipes, but maybe I’ll try half oil, half applesauce for these to lessen the gumminess. Will let you know how they turn out.
It’a a balance–the sharing of reality without crossing the line into being full-on obnoxious, whiny, pessimist (pretty sure, no one wants to hear from THAT person.). I agree with you though. One of my pet peeves about social media & blogs in general, is when people portray their lives as one non-stop joy-ride. I don’t think it’s true & I think it’s being disingenuous to our experience as human beings. We should acknowledge & observe, & our observations will not always be pleasant or pretty.
Oh, I hope you can get a chance to slow down a bit. Believe me, I know the pressures of work–I feel them even more acutely now than ever before, & I’m no longer working for a paycheck, just working for my kid’s happy/healthy existence. So glad you got a chance to get into the kitchen & get things going. So cathartic, right? And productive. I love multi-tasking.
About the oil, believe me, I’ve gone years shunning oil, but there are some recipes that I’d just rather not do if I have to do them oil-less. Like this one, for example. If you use wheat flour, you’ll have better success with no-oil (still gummy, but not as much as when you do gluten-free). The thing is, you can only replace so many things before a recipe starts tasting, um, shall we say, not good. Gluten-free baking is complex, & I haven’t totally figured it out, but I’ve observed most gluten-free bakers find that they need to use eggs (helps bind recipe, for one) & oil because you don’t have the benefit of gluten which helps bind & make a recipe lighter. So, long story, even longer, I use as little oil as possible, but when I do gf baking, I usually can’t go without it (or I get less than desirable results).
Hope you can find some time to relax & play with your boys!
I cook and bake.
And take a walk in the sun and breath deeply, meet friends. Things like that. Will try the recipe soon. I am curious about how the tofu tastes in the cupcakes. Have never tried it before.
All the best to you!
Isn’t there something soothing about baking? I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it calms me.
I love that you get outside, breath deeply & connect with others. Such a great list of healthy picker-uppers!
yes, totally. i actually bake and cook sometimes when i am very upset about something or feel stressed. there is something meditative about baking, your mind gets time to run along while you know you are preparing something that makes you smile. i often put the meal together so it looks like a little, individual artwork. just thinking about it puts a smile on my face. i just love food!
I’m sorry that you’ve been feeling weighed down… but happy that it inspired you to post this delicious looking cupcake recipe. Is that terrible? I’ve been feel a bit heavy myself — maybe I just need to make these!
Thank you, Leandra. I think a good bit of distraction + gratitude is what I need most days to feel better about life. Hope you have a great day.