I keep on thinking, if I manage to realize that I’m thinking at all, I’m fine.
I don’t miss Joseph.
And it’s true. In a way I don’t. I have plenty to keep my mind occupied. I’ve always been more of an independent sorta woman.
I didn’t used to “get” pinterest. To me, it was all just pictures. Trying to live life vicariously through others. Like, my house is a mess, so I’ll pin 20 pictures of how to clean, rather than actually cleaning. Or, I’m broke, but I can pin a dozen things that I’ll never actually buy nor ever actually afford. Since I have terrible utilitarian tendencies, pinning just seemed like a waste of time, equivalent to chronic daydreaming or playing golf on a wii (why not just play real golf?).
I know this all sounds terribly pessimistic.
But I tell you this, because this week, I found myself, unable to sleep (despite exhaustion), pinning away. In a sleeping house, I find myself at my computer. Getting lost on other people’s boards. Pinning & pinning, categorizing, rearranging & organizing my boards. And for what? I don’t have a house of my own. Those beautiful kitchens, throw pillows, immaculate living rooms, spacious & bright gardens cannot be mine right now.
I’m living in limbo, without my husband. Further, we are about to embark on a daunting debt-reduction plan, austerity measures the likes of which we’ve never before experienced. It’s clear, for the foreseeable future, I won’t have any discretionary income with which to buy those pinned “wish list” items.
I realized, that my lack of control over the circumstances in my life is making me search for something, anything that I can dominate. It’s simple, really. I can’t control the fact that I’m currently in transition for the next 4 months. I can’t control that my husband is not here. I can’t control my environment because I don’t live in my own house. But I can carefully, methodically create & organize the life I want to have, wish to have.
Yes, at it’s worst, pinterest can be an escape from really living, an imitation. A fantasy of the life one may never have.
At it’s best though, pinterest, like any other social media tool, allows one to explore, discover, share, imagine, escape. And for now, I really need that.
I have to go pin now.
Have you ever found yourself doing something, only to realize later that you were doing as a way to assert control in your life?
Do you pin? What do you think of pinterest?